oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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