um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
