I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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