I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
