I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
