proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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