she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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