I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
