I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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