Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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