and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
we made out on top of his cat.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
