turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
