The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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