We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
