It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
