I'm so fucking centered right now
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
