how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
