don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
