question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm too high and old for this...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
