Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
