if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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