good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
