im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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