ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
