Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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