I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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