i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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