He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
