She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My ass is underappreciated
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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