Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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