im about as happy as oj after his trial
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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