It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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