mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
