i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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