i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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