I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
