Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
