he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
