i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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