Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
