I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Do you remember whose house we're in?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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