the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
