i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
