If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
