I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
