that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
