Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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