fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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