Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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