Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
