Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
