Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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