Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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