i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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