How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize