it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
