dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
