I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
