Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
