cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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