Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We named our party play list daddy issues
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
