i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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